I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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