I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
