apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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