Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
