the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
