You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
