I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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