oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
