my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
