What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize