I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
