Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
