totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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