I just cut my nipple shaving
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
