cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize