I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
