feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
