16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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