just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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