you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
