In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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