I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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