I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
