Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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