Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I am puke
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
