The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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