I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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