gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
