i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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