I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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