hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
