Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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