There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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