1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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