Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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