just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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