I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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