for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
