And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
