there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
