I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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