Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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