All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
