i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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