legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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