Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
