took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
