I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
