the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
