last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
