my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
