Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
