so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
