Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
