I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
