dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
