I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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