I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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