you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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