you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
