Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
