You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
