Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
