i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
