I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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