No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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