Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
